I'm an uncertain person. I second guess everything I do and constantly doubt myself. Sometimes I'm too afraid to try new things, and other times I believe I have the wrong reason for doing them. Simple things even, such as traveling down to Carson City for the afternoon to go shopping.
Leaving the home I spent my whole life in had to be the scariest thing I've done up to this point. Even though I've been in California for seven months now I still have moments were I wonder if I did the right thing. I wonder about my reason behind it, if it would have been better if I'd stayed home, if I shouldn't have tried to uproot myself and settle in a new home where I knew nearly no one.
This week, even though it has only just started, all of my doubts came back tenfold. I set out to try something new, to do something I'd always been told I couldn't but have discovered I can. And now a a future I never thought possible, one I'd long ago given up on and hadn't thought of in years lays open before me.
While I've not settled on things one way or another, it is far too soon for that, I can see possibilities. They scare me. What if I chase after them and it all falls apart? What if I do something I'll regret for the rest of my life?
But at the same time they excite me. I can do them. If I fail then I will have at least tried. I'll have chased down a dream, a burning passion which has simmered in the back of mind for years. I'll have done the impossible, or at least tried to.
I know my motives behind these new dreams - old dreams which are renewed - are not selfish. I desire to serve God, to serve others. Maybe this possibility will close in front of me. Maybe I am not called for it. But there's a door there, and I won't know if it is meant to open or close until I at least peek through it. Pray about it, consider it and seek to know the truth.
And at the other side? Through that door? I think I might see myself as I should be. The personality I kept hidden behind fears and doubts. I might finally begin to understand who I am and live life the way I should have been. The way someone special lived her life.
Already I've changed since I moved. And it hasn't been horrible changes. Sometimes I can't believe I'm the same person who lived for so long in fear. That is one reason I go on such long walks. Why I take to the mountains with only Jenni at my side. I like to see the world as God created it to be, full of wonder and beauty.
After so much hurt and fear, how can I not stand back and be filled with amazement? How can I not be touched, freed and healed? So much spreads out in front of me. New paths, not only in the mountains but in my life.
I can follow them. I can trip and fall, get up and keep going. Sometimes I will fail, sometimes it will hurt, sometimes I will cower. But I keep pushing on, for so many reasons.
Maybe someday I will be able to understand the things which happened to me. I will know what I was meant to learn from it and can begin to help others suffering through the same grief, loneliness and doubt.
But until I can make sense of it myself, as I heal I keep pressing on. With each step which takes me to new places and sights, each step in my life takes me on a new adventure.
The hurt eases. The grief reminds me not to give up.
And moments hit me, sweet moments filled with emotions I can't explain. Moments in which I begin to feel as if I've finally come home.
As if I've finally been welcomed into open arms who love me in spite of all my faults and trails. No matter what happens in the future I cling to that. And I thank God every day for it.